Enikkum vennam oru ...To-do list

Its nothing like riding  high on an emotional tide... so as life takes an aimless turn, here is my to do list before I forget.....

noting it as it comes, the sequence is insignificant..

1.travel to different parts of the world.
2.to have a job, which is not tiring.
3.to watch a World cup football match  in the stadium after being partially drunk.
4.to direct a movie/ make a movie.
5.to become a member of Lok Sabha.
6.educate an orphan
7.If still alive at 65, friends get-together  at Goa- get drunk with Vivek,Varun,Harky,Tedy,Thadiyan and Hari.

Get well soon...

bye.

Bring it On.

Ten days left for mains exam.

For the last few days, all I have been doing is reading, reading, and hmm... reading.

Obviously tired.

Things have clearly not worked for me, but, am I to bog down to circumstances and cry.

Definitely not, I am looking forward to my first mains experience.

It would invariably give a first hand opinion of what this BULL is all about.

As said in Gita :" detach yourself from results, do your part rest would follow".

Buddha said: " don't have desire for its the root cause of all sufferings"

As another day comes to an end, I have no regrets of decisions I have taken.

Ready to take the bull my its horn. Bring it on. 

Rest In Peace-my dear Sir.

Its only a week that I took to studies.

Today, enthusiastically, I clicked on my browser link to Raman's Blog.

As I had not visited his site after my prelims exam I was completely  oblivious to the happenings on IR.

My perspectives on India's foreign policy was shaped by Raman sirs analysis on IR events.

As I read the latest blog, I observed it was quite old.

He was a person who used to write on daily basis on current developments.

As I read further into the comments section.

I was Shell-Shocked!!!!

B.Ram had expired on June 16th.He succumbed to Cancer, of which, and unlikely of most men, he had written profusely about.

He kept everyone updated on the lasted on his treatments and on doctor's note & advice.

However, I never thought his demise would be so soon.

I had largely relied on his blogs for insights into International Issues affecting India.Moreover, over the years I I found that he was so committed to the work, that I admired him a lot.

I felt I was personally attached to him.

It is a great loss.
Rest in Peace- Country Salutes you sir.

JAI HIND.

 

Football &my life

It was only at college that I started watching Football.Ever since then, I reckon my knowledge of the game has improved.

It was EPL that most of them at college followed and I too was sucked into this whirlpool of sporting madness.

Initially, my observation was the team with excellent strikers would win the match.I always analyed matches through this framework and would predict results & argue with this myopic game view.

After few years I understood it is equally important for a team to have quality defenders as good strikers.
So  my attention also engulfed how a team performed defensively.I would ponder over formations at  the back and how defenders organised themselves.

It was a delight to see  Right Back and Left back charge through the wings to provide that extra width to the attack.

At this point of time, my knowledge of midfielders were awful.I found them an unwanted groups of guys running around on the field.

Over the years, after watching quantifiable number of games, I was, sought of enlightened-actually, Midfielders are GODS on the ground.

The create, distribute, score and are the real gladiators on the field.My admiration for them grew exponentially.

With time, Strategies, formations and mind games started to give me that extra kick.

Build up to matches were as interesting as the match itself and it extended my exuberance for the game beyond 90 mins.

Things have changed a bit now.With more priorities of life taking my time, I find it difficult to keep track of the games new intricacies & happenings.Nevertheless, Chelsea continue to be the team I support & try to keep updated.

And, life goes on so does football.Don't know when the my 90 mins gets over.

Life Goes On- July 2013

A few months back I wondered, how would life be a few months later- answer is : it goes on.Sometimes you are over cautious about life(looking forward) but it feels so relaxed looking backwards.

My sister's marriage  engagement function was on 5th july.

It went well.Fortunately, it did not rain that day.

Unlike me, Alliyan is calm and composed & befits my sister in all aspect.

Really happy for my sister and hope god  gives her all happiness in Life.

The function was held at our house. My entire time, after prelims exam was consumed in the preparation process.

Initially, felt guilty for not studying for the mains but then it was my responsibility to get this done in the best possible way- after all she is my sister.

Now, for the marriage - is on 29th August at Chottanikkara Temple.

With God's blessing, hope everything goes as planned.

Also, have to say, my experience in the last few months have changed my perspective on the society we live in a profound way.

Firstly, when it comes to personal(marriage) relationships, ours is a staunch Caste based society.A scheduled caste is a scheduled caste,a Dalit is a Dalit, conjugal untouchability is hidden in our inner consciousness.

Secondly, Money matters.Dowry is a subjective reality of this objective world.

Lastly, Friendship relationships are woven on inexplicable life situations.A true friend is a utopia.

Being rational is better than being emotional & compassionate.

I would have learned nothing if I stayed at Reliance as Corporate life is a false world surrounded by people who adorn plastic smiles & opportunistic hand shakes.

I was extremely sad when when my dear friend did not call me ever since I resigned from work, not even for his engagement or for his marriage.

While I was staying at Karol Bagh, how much I wished someone had to come to my place.I am greatly thankful to (Ankit,Varun,tedy...), for when they did come, they just lit up my life.To be frank I was obsessed with my preparation, even wasting a single minute was a crime for me then.So, I did not venture out, even to Tedy's house- irrespective of their repeatedly calling me.However, went to see Hari when he came to Gurgaon after his infamous Shimla trip.

I sound childish, is'nt it??? Its Loneliness ...

But then, having such close friendship wasn't it my simple duty to attend his marriage? Was it my ego??

No.Its difficult to explain and moreover, it would be unfathomable for someone without experiencing/knowing   my solitude life experiences (ever since I started preparing for UPSC exam) and familial difficulties I went through to think otherwise.

 And I accept it, it was a long journey & it sill is, and I wanted some support, how much I wished I had someone to talk, especially when I did not clear prelims.Later, I got to know I missed cutoff by 1 mark!!!

Need to stop.

Bye for now my Diary, for sometimes I love your materialistic nonexistence and idealistic permanence ever since I starting scribbling here.

May 17,2013

Why should I do it?

It is very important to ask this question before we embark on a task.It is equally pertinent to have a clear cut answer on our mind (for this question), as it will be the guiding force, without which we might not complete the task at hand.

Often we see that we get lost in between and we struggle to make sense of the present and future.This is nothing but our inability to find a credible answer to this million dollar question. 

So, before you do anything do ask yourself " why should I do it" ?.
 

13th April 2013

I never thought I would get this far.

But, when I look around I know life is not so happy.Things around keep changing drastically, posing new difficulties.Most often you are pushed and pulled by those complex unfathomable social forces.And, then when you wade through all those hardships, you relish the sigh of relief.

So, today its just another of those moments in life.

And, also I should confess that I have made harmony with this solitude life.I feel immensely rejuvenated as silence embrace me with an inexplicable aura. This silence which is profoundly within me, makes me realize that Happiness is within me not outside.

And it rained.

Its been so long that it rained here.And when it did, its with a bang.When those huge droplets touches the virgin earth, it gives out an rustic aroma.It feel like rain god has blessed the mother earth and the lesser mortal like us.

I stood on the veranda as it rained heavily.I enjoyed every bit of it.

It fills me with inexplicable happiness.Something, which was lost in time.

its all about being in love and being loved.

One should be fortunate to have someone who loves you sincerely.

I am very happy for my friend, Varun, who have found his life partner.I wish him all happiness in days to come.

Happiness

Ankit gave me a call today, and I was surprised to hear his voice for it was so long that we spoke.It took some time, for reality to sink in.We were fast friends in college and throughout our time in Reliance, we shared similar life experiences & kept  good relationship.It wouldn't be wrong if I say he was my best friend. Later, he took to pursue his MBA and I to Civil Service preparation.And my self imposed solitary life changed things  around.I have only myself to blame for not keeping in touch with my friends.

However, after hearing from him my happiness had no leaps and bounds.Suddenly, I wished I was back in BIT Mesra, hostel 5B, where we had shared neighboring rooms.Those movies, early walks to college, talks- chit chats ..entire gamut of activities. all seems as if, it just happened yesterday.

Hope to seen him when he comes back to India.

A new begining

bygones are bygones.

And here I am to start everything afresh.

End of my life.

Touched new low in life

1. Resigned from good paying job
2.Did not clear Civil Service prelims for which I have been studying since a long time.
3.lost confidence in continuing any further
4.Financially very unstable back home

Badly fucked up with life.

fallacy of Natural science

Why is natural science an ever evolving revered field of study??

Probably its because proponents of science believe that its has a self corrective mechanism and therefore, cannot hide the truth from revealing itself for all times.

But , then what is this self corrective mechanism???

The procedure adopted that verifiable truth only can be incorporated as science and also by premising its discoveries with mathematical equations.

These mathematical equations and backing often tends to opine/create  truth absolute.

Absoluteness is something that cannot be attained and its unnatural.

However, with  time scientist are obsessed with creating absolute mathematical model and empirical proposition.

And, consequently are trapped in the vicious circle of finding the absolute, but , the fact of the matter is the absolute is non attainable.

No, I'm not being pessimist but  realistically absoluteness is absent.

Therefore, mathematical representation, backing  science holds no real sense.

The more one falls on mathematics for answer the more he is trapped in the limbo of unattainable.

july 17th, 2012

Indian Middle class

Jagdish bhagwati and Arving panagariya in a syndicated article "the bell tolls for congress party" writes that the aggrieved middle class will vote out the congress in 2014.They perceive that the middle class feels that their economic interest is threatened by  ill governance and corruption and this will manifest as angry votes that will push out congress.

No one can categorically say that middle class in India is a homogeneous group.Infact it is layered with high degree of caste and community characteristics- commonly know as "identity politics".

But, if shedding these traditional differences if they vote on economic understanding of the situation, then one can definitely say the celebrated authors were right.

Simultaneously, it also means that our so called middle class is better informed and evolved citizens then.Having said that, is then this elated scenario due to the efforts of the ruled government for the last 5 years.For, its because of them this portion of India tasted the fruits of economic prosperity.If that is true should you vote them out ??

Considering the global gloomy economic scenario and coalition limitation of the government, can't we excuse the congress for the slump? And, about corruption, we need Lokpal- an independent body.This is beyond party and any election. 

Is 21st century- "century of GAS" ??


With the advancement of technology more and more unconventional gas reserves are discovered and exploited for daily use."Shale gas" is the main contender on this unconventional segment.US has large reserve of it and is utilising it to the maximum as an alternate fuel.

IAE reports that the gas reserve has double since a decade and prospect looks extremely positive.It would definitely reduce pressure on oil.

But, transportation and storage are problems regarding gas.It is also capital intensive when thinking of liquifying it or developing a pipeline network.

Because of these reason, presently, the gas market is regional and restricted to customers who make long term contract commitment.

However, with time distance and worries of this kind would reduce.This is precisely the reason IEA is so bullish about the gas industry.Moreover, it is environment friendly.


China Model of development

Is the Chinese model of alternative development  worth replicating ?. A Chinese scholar calls it civilisational state  and some say it is appreciable balance between free market system and a fully state controlled system.

For the last 30 years china has been recording amazing growth.But, of late, it is cooling down.As the other major Asian economies, which experienced growth and then flattened, china has also entered this phase.

 Laws pertaining to de-listing of companies

 1.Securities contract(regulation) act 1956-SCRA
 2.Companies Act 1956



 

And, finally, that's it.

Have I reached there.

is it right to call it, a thoughtful give up?

does this lazy period meant, I am not meant to be there?

probably, its too much pot-holes to be filled.

And, I give up- can't read anymore.

I want to live.

I need to find some incentive to live.I need to reclaim my lost goals and desire.I need my life back.

I want to live...

No bakwas.Back to life.

Whom are you fooling around?. You had a dream to serve the nation. You had a dream to be an civil service officer.You left the job for that.You took up the challenge in Delhi.But, now you are down because no one bothers to call you.Hence, you feel lonely here.Stop this bullshit will you and get on with life.

If you have dream protect it.And, stop giving lame reasons.Its up to you to do it or not and take responsibility for your failure. And, own your failures.

Folly Affirmations

"I will never give up".
"I am determined and committed"

All affirmation of this genre are easy to profess and difficult to live with.One would need an indomitable spirit of confidence and composure, which is a rarity and one who own it, makes it large.

So as I hit the new low of my life, I stand alone.No regret.

Between, today I downloaded my e-admit card.Have chalked out a macro plan till exams.Importantly, I have to gain back my lost mind.I need to believe that, for whatever happens I will have to fight it out alone.

Also, I need to think about a Plan-B. No, its not a sign of paucity of self-belief but just being thoughtful of the surprises life can throw at you.

Feels a lot better than last two days.I spoke to Appa and Ammi. Infact, they are the only one's (also my sister) who have stood besides me at all odds.

Have to also improve on my reading and comprehension skills if I have to compete at any level.As I push myself more to study, I understand my reading skills wobble and I fail to comprehend what I read and further, my mind gets lost in some random thoughts.

I know it sounds like some psychological problem.However, I need to get get around it as soon as possible.

Relinquishing The Hindu has also affected me adversely. I have to make it habit to atleast read the online editorials.

How I wish I was back to me normal best with a composed mind.

Internet has also had it pound of flesh.I have to utilize it, rather than using it as a option to vent off my stress. 


Between, spend some time on facebook. Tellingly, it is marriage season.One of my school friend Govind says "since his intelligence has touched new low level he decides to marry".I wonder what really he wanted to prove with such propositions.Anyhow, different people has different thoughts and as a rational being we should respect all view points.


So thats it pretty much for the day.And, long night awaits me, let me try making it little bit productive.

Bye for now. 

     

Himalaya to Climb

When I started on this journey I felt I would complete it with ease.Now, things have started to change. I feel lost in this ocean.

Kannan Chettan was right. He said " its a long journey and get support from wherever u can".

Sadly, I don't have the habit asking for help even if badly required.This is something inherent in me.

I think I should say good bye to my recluse life at Delhi and get back home.

Fading away

Got thrashed with Mock 3.

Geography looks like Sanskrit and Current affairs German.

Suddenly, everything starts spinning around me.

I am losing faith in myself, have I made the right choices? Have I put the people dependent upon me at risk?

As these questions stare at me, I stand alone.How much I wished for someone to be around, atlleast for a phone call.

As they say: "true friends are those who stay along at the time of adversity".