6:36 PM, Wednesday,29th December 2010

Hmm.. I'm still in office, I’m still in Reliance When I Joined this company I had made up my mind to leave this company in one year, for I was so confident of clearing one of those management exams.

Freaking!!!.... it is going to be three years and I’m still here.

So many things have happened around me, Firstly, My Ex Project Director (PD), who made that motivational speech (when I had joined) & who looked so poised to finish that massive project in record time, himself resigned and joined another company.

Secondly, I had a transfer of department and project.

Thirdly, Most of my previous project colleagues joined other companies on better pay.

Lastly, Few of my juniors (who joined after me) are in better influential departments now. The illiterate HR to blame, they just randomly pick and drop people to anywhere. If you are lucky, you land in good departments under good boss.

I’m digressing, I realize….

And the fact of the matter is “I ‘m still in this drab place".

Initially, I wanted to prepare for Management exams, but then the noble man in me aroused. I was saddened and was empathized for under-privileged & starving people of society (This was way before reading those P.Sainath articles in Hindu) or may be because I connected with their stories better or felt something common running through me.

Suddenly, I made up mind to do something, which would help atleast some people come out of their sufferings. I understood being an IAS officer you can touch and change the lives of millions in our country.

And, decided to prepare for UPSC exam.

When you are intoxicated by the desire to achieve something, you are blind as you see only your goal & you fail to evaluate yourself whether you have sustainable qualities to attain your goals, at least an ounce of it.

And if you don’t evaluate yourself, you are bound to fall, if not fail

Well, the same thing happened with me.

I never read newspaper, never had an appetite for information gathering/ retaining. My knowledge of state/country/world affairs was as bad as Ishant Sharma’s batting or if you know shrecko (sreekanth my friend) then Its as bad as his hard thought PJ’s.

And, to make things worse, I was struggling to read content articles or books, hmm I realized my vocabulary is also bad, if not worse.

However, I pushed myself to conquer my dream and desire of transforming lives.

I joined a coaching class, chose two optional subjects, Public Administration and Sociology. I was sincere and attended all the classes, when most of students who came there felt the teachers were far from average, and their classes are too traditional and will never prepare us for the changing UPSC exam patterns- a year later I realised they were all right with their assumptions.

Hmm… I completed my coaching in around about 6 months.

I still remember my hectic days; I used to rush for my classes every day after office and then a late night journey back to my house at the other end of the city. I used to get back my 10:00.

After 6 months, slowly I started realizing that, it’s near to impossible for me to do this with a job and leaving the job was unthinkable.

But, then I carried forward. I tried putting together long studying hours, spasms of those were all fruitless. I never had a habit of studying. I always used to do my study at the last moment.

A temporary target was set, to inculcate a habit of studying and reading newspaper. I still remember reading those tough Hindu articles, it was like reading a dictionary. I got fed up referring to the dictionary for understanding every word and few days later, I gave up. Because, in the process of finding the meaning of words, I totally missed the essence of the articles.

In short, to attain primary targets, I had set up temporary targets. This slowly became my primary leading to other secondary targets. Fact of the matter was, when there are too many holes in the pot it is difficult to hold anything in it.

In short, I failed to inculcate any habits, required for the preparation of UPSC exam.

But, I was poised to give the exam.

Unfortunately, an SSB interview which coincided with my preliminary exam changed my plans. I was two minded on the issue. I went for the SSB Interview .Destiny failed me, this time in the form of Medical officer.

I did not qualify medically, knock Knees. Interestingly, I have been a sports person all my life. But you cannot tide over the laws of recruitment process, especially those of armed forces.

Dejected. Heavy blows, salvo double by UPSC and NAVY.

Back to reality, Back again in Reliance, a frustrating life, being idle was tough. It was more than a mental torture.

Worse part was, by now I had lost my passion or the inspiration to pursue my UPSC studies.

Life then looked dry, Bitter, lonely, wretched.

After 8 months from then my feelings remain the same.

My goal, from doing MBA to becoming an IAS officer all looks distant reality or just illusions.

I live alone now, don’t bother to study or prepare for any exam.

No aim, no targets, no worry, but still struggling to keep with the reality that” I live the life of a recluse”.

Only thing that hurts me now, is when, I have conversations with my parents, who thinks I’m in a first class Company at some respectable post & is earning good salary and is very satisfied. They just don’t know the reality or rather I have never let them know.

Their expectation of their son becoming a successful person pinches me more, as to me I in a deep bottomless PIT.

Life is the best teacher. One’s who acclimates to the reality faster, scores highest & reaches the acme.